Reviews & Previews - Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest Part IV

Posted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008 at 06:00 PM

Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest Part IV

By: S. Tran

SUPERMAN RETURNS

As I was getting to write this installment of dumb-assery I ran across this cool video that has everything I like in movies, action, cool effects and great acting. Check it out if you have time.

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-W2aRgnC-To

Alright, back to business and this time we look at a movie I really wanted to like, Superman Returns. I remember going to see the original Superman back in the day and standing in line for tickets. As a kid yo thought every dumb thing was awesome. However I am a grown ass man now so when I see stupidity I don't think its cool anymore, I just feel ripped off.

Such was the case with Superman Returns. Join me in the examination of the plot holes that put the smack down on what should have  been a cool movie.

1. Real Estate Problems.

Nah, it wasn't a mortgage problem that messed up this part of the plot, it was sheer stupidity. Check it. Lex Luther's genius plan is to become rich by creating a new continent and what not. You heard it right, he figures people are going to be lining up to buy a piece of the  continent he wants to create.

The problem with this plan is that people are not really in the market for the following when  thinking of buying some vacation property:
a. Sheer 300 foot cliffs everywhere
b. hard black rocky landscapes
c. no vegetation, grass or really, any living thing
d. no plumbing, electricity roads, infrastructure.

Yeah, Lex figured people would buy land even though it looked like the 4th level of hell. Genius!!

2. Over estimating Forgiveness:

Lex also figures that people are going to be cool with his plan even though it apparently involves killing billions of people. According to Lex's plan the new continent is going to flood much of North America and we assume other parts of the world. However, instead of people being pissed at Lex for mass murder on a apocalyptic scale he figures they will instead come to realize what a sweet deal his new continent presents.

It would be all like "Dude you killed all my family and friends and everyone I knew and...hey could I buy some of that sweet cliff side property from you?"

Seriously? Luthor is supposed to be a genius and this is the best evil plan the writers could come up with?

I am no politician but if you start cause a Biblical type flood aren't people around the world are going to be a little ticked off and instead of lining up to buy land won't they will be doing stuff like launching full scale military assaults against you? Yeah you and your FIVE guys that are going to protect the island.

Hell with only five guys isn't a bigger problem going to be keeping the squatters off your property?

3. Overlooking the Obvious

Our boy Lex ain't scared though because he figures he can defend himself with the kick ass alien technology he found at Superman's secret fortress. Again this is fricking genius...except damn, wouldn't it be easier to make money by ummmm...SELLING some of that wicked awesome alien technology.

Seriously, has this dude never heard of Google, Microsoft? Forget that, has he never watched an infomercial? If some dude can get rich selling Bedazzlers you would think Luthor could make a little scratch by selling some cool alien technology.

I guess Lex's only dream is to become the Donald Trump of crappy real estate.

4. Kryptonite Hurts...Sometimes

Hey man if you are going to make a movie about Superman, maybe you should read a few comics so you know a little bit about him and his relationship with Kryptonite. Apparently the writers had no time to do the research because they spent it all devising Lex's idiotic real estate plan.

So check it out, Superman lands on Lex's new property and it has Kryptonite embedded in it. This weakens him so much that just by standing near it Lex's goons can give him a righteous beating. Yeah, even Kumar is putting the boots to him. Then Lex stabs him with a Kryptonite shank, prison style.

What do we see later on the movie though? Superman actually lifts the ENTIRE CONTINENT into space and while doing so appears unaffected by the huge chunks of Kryptonite poking him in the face. IN THE FACE!! If that is not bad enough we find out later that he did this while he still had a shard of the shank left in his body. So Kryptonite makes him weak enough that Kumar can pimp slap him but not so weak that he can't lift a continent? What the hell????

There is more I could write about but I got some diapers to change. I leave you with a portion of the script that was left out of the movie that my friend from the studio forwarded to me.

Scene: Metropolis

Lois: Superman, Lex created a new continent, you have to stop him.

Superman: Yeah I'm going to fly out there right now.

Lois: Be careful, don't forget Kryptonite is the one thing that can hurt you. Maybe you should scope it out with your super vision first and make sure he doesn't have any, or maybe you should fly at super speed and check it out first, or maybe you could use your heat vision and just blast him from space so he can't get it near you.

Superman: Nah, I think I will just walk there real slowly, otherwise you know, he'll think I am some kind of wuss. I am all man and what not.

Lois: Uh...ok. By the way wasn't the U.S. supposed to be all flooded and what not on account of Lex's new continent being created?

Superman: Ummm.... yeah whatever, I think I will close my eyes and walk up to Lex, that will be even more manly.