Reviews & Previews - Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest - G.I. Joe Edition

Posted on Wednesday, August 26, 2009 at 06:00 PM

Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest - G.I. Joe Edition

By: S. Tran

G.I. Joe (*Spoilers for people who only watch movies on DVD)

You know your movie might be in trouble when the words "worst movie ever" show up in advance previews. I guess if that was your goal then maybe that isn't bad but in most cases it's bad.

Good news though, G.I. Joe is not the worst movie ever, but wow, it sure did come close. Unfortunately though it just couldn't match the awful level of cinematic misery that any Ashton Kutcher film hits.

What G.I. Joe does give you though is some dumb, loud fun. The emphasis here is on "dumb". I remember playing with G.I. Joe actions figures when I was a kid. I never imagined though that the stories I made up would actually make more sense than the things in this movie. Let's review the alternate reality that the Joes live in.

1. Strange sense of restraint.

In the beginning of the movie the army is tasked with delivering a top secret weapon when they are brutally attacked by Cobra's forces. Much exploding of things happens and the poor army folks are mercilessly killed by Cobra in their quest for the weapon.

Luckily the Joes are on the case though, even though they only show up after most of the army guys are already dead. Upon arriving at the scene fashionably late and wearing tight leather pants, Cobra tries to blow the poop out of them too. When a couple of Cobra bad guys go after the weapon one of the Joes points his giganticus gun at them and fires....a warning shot?

In parts of this country people can get shot just for trespassing but somehow the Joes are pacifists at heart. The fact that a bunch of soldiers just got a serious case of death and a doomsday weapon is only inches away from being stolen doesn't mean deadly force is necessary apparently.

Later on in the film though the Joes cause about 5000 civilian deaths and injuries during a chase through Paris. But that was cool because those extras had no lines anyway.

2. A serious lack of security.

The Joes are the best of the best. You have to be invited to join the Joes. The Joes have the best training, weapons and equipment. The Joes have a top secret base, full of soldiers. The Joes have an amazing cafeteria (we are guessing).

With all these factors do you know how many people it takes to break into G.I. Joe headquarters and escape with the doomsday weapon. 1000? How about 300, like the movie. At least 100 right? 50? Come on, be serious. You need at least 20 guys right? No.

To break into the most secret, most advanced, highly guarded complex in the world and escape you need about 8 guys. Of course one is a ninja so he counts for maybe 5 guys.

Now once you get your 8 people how are you ever going to get past the Joe's defences. I mean they have a system that can x-ray a guy walking a camel across the desert to make sure it isn't some kind of robotic attack camel or something. You need to be super sneaky to get past something like that right? Well that is one option. The other option is to drill right into the Joe base with some giant drilling machines.

That's right. Although a camel herder can't pass by the base without getting an electronic full cavity search, some huge drills can punch holes right into the base without any alarms going off or anyone noticing. The drills even pass right under the camels the Joes were checking out and make some big ripples in the sand while they do it. Nothing suspicious there, except those camels.

3. A terrible understanding of physics.

At the end of the movie the Cobra head evil guy is escaping. Somehow the Joes have overcome the embarrassment of the break in at their base and are now kicking ass at Cobra's base. No problem, Cobra knows the importance of a self destruct for this kind of situation.

As they zip away in their evil Cobra submarine the head evil guy gives the order to blow up the ...icecap? What the hell? Yes, Cobra's genius fall back plan to destroy their underwater base is to blow up the ice cap above the base. I guess the intent was to rain down giant chunks of ice down on the base and destroy it. This would be an awesome plan, except for the fact that ice floats, which makes this a really stupid plan.

This could not be any stupider, unless...yes. We actually see giant chunks of ice, falling down, through water, and crushing the base along with any hopes we had for signs of intelligent life in Hollywood.

I leave you now with a portion of the script that didn't make it into the movie. My friend works at the studio so this is totally legit.

Scene: Security center G.I. Joe secret base

Tech 1: Sir, a man with some camels is walking near the base.

Security Chief: Damn it. Get infrared, sonar and radar on him. I want satellite images ASAP. Use the facial recognition software on this guy. I want to know his name and what he had for breakfast! Now people, now!

Tech 1: Wait sir, I'm also picking up some strange grinding sounds, like giant drills, several of them heading for the base.

Security Chief: Not now! We have to figure out what these camels are all about.

Tech 1: But sir it looks like something is also disturbing the sand like torpedoes or something.

Security Chief: For the last time. Focus on those camels soldier! Obviously there is something highly suspicious about a guy with some camels walking though a desert. Use your head!

Tech 1: Sir, my readings indicate that some large holes have been punched into the base!

Security Chief: Probably just some seismic activity. Do we know what kind of camels those are yet?

You can check out more writing by S. Tran at Cracked.com
http://www.cracked.com/article_17573_7-fatal-injuries-that-people-somehow-survived.html