Posted on Monday, March 03, 2008 at 05:00 PM
Dumb and Dumber and Dumbest Part II
By: S. Tran
WAR OF THE WORLDS
Before we get into this week's dumbassery a couple quick things. One thanks to a reader, Joshua, for pointing out to me that Unbreakable was Shyamalan's movie after The Sixth Sense not Signs. However this doesn't change the fact that Signs sucked.
Secondly, I know my posts contain lots of little errors. I do know the difference between "to" and "too" and "your" and "you're" etc etc. The thing is I don't get paid to write this and I have no editor (wife refuses) so sometimes I neglect to proof read as much as I should. But sometimes there are problems converting my document onto the website. Whatever, as long as you get the point.
Ok, this week's focus will be on War of the Worlds. After seeing the mental midget aliens presented to us on film over the last 10 years, I am one human who will not be afraid when the aliens finally do land. I probably will just go and check them out and if they give me a hard time I will just give them a wedgie.
If you don't remember, this movie was that collection of plot holes tied together by a flimsy plot. In reality I think Tom Cruise wanted to do the film as a propaganda piece to appease the Thetans that
inhabit him and his Scientology buddies. Let us review the plot holes that tanked this movie.
1. Jacked Up Plan -- To begin with the aliens have this completely bizarre and stoopid (yeah, I mean its so stupid its "stoopid") plan to take over the Earth. Check it out, first they came to earth hundreds or
thousands of years ago with some cool ass alien machines. Awesome, easy to take over primitive earthlings with those machines right? Uh.... no dude, on account of they didn't use the machines then. Instead they BURY the machines and then take off back to planet Stoopid Prime.
Then, after we develop nuclear weapons, guns, Playstation 3 and other cool stuff that give us a chance to own their Xenu loving butts, they come back, hop into the machines and make like a bunch of high school vandals messing up our planet and what not. What the eff?
What kind of plan is that? First of all who the hell was responsible for remembering which planet they buried the machines on and where they were buried? They sat underground for at least a few hundred years, the aliens that buried them are either dead or a bunch of old geezers by the time they come
back so what's the point?
Secondly, they plan on taking the Earth over with what amounts to ancient technology for them. Its like someone deciding to use the wooden club their great great great grandpa buried somewhere to go into war instead of grabbing a machine gun. Are you trying to tell me in a thousand years these idiotic aliens have not advanced their technology at all? How would any of them even know how to operate these ancient relics? You ever try to navigate using a sextant? Who did they send, a bunch of antique enthusiasts?
2. Wicked Awesome Alien Technology - The aliens prepare for the takeover of our planet by busting out some wack technology that acts like an electromagnetic pulse, designed to give our electronic equipment a serious case of death, thus rendering us helpless. Yeah, this would have been cool except that we then see people doing stuff like filming the alien ships with camcorders and talking on their cell phones right after they have supposedly knocked us back to the stone age. Uhhhhh...huh?
Some people have (foolishly) argued with me that only electronics that were turned on when the EMP hit would be affected. This would have been a great argument except that every single vehicle we see is rendered immobile whether it was moving or not. Let us also not forget about the news van that somehow managed to film the aliens landing at the time when the EMP supposedly hit.
So yeah apparently the technology works like this. It will fry all electronics on earth, except for cameras and stuff that will be useful to film them stomping our collective puny Earth heads.
Lets also not forget the scene where the alien dude is fascinated by a bicycle wheel. "I just came across the universe faster than the speed of light, I drive this invincible mechanical spider thing, I....oooo a wheel!"
3. Farmer Aliens - Apparently Stoopid Prime is running short on farmland because the big plan these aliens have for us it to grind us into fertilizer so they can grow these red weeds on our planet. Could be
food, but I am guessing that it is alien ganja. Yep, I think these aliens were trying to turn Earth into one big grow op.
That would explain the stoned behaviour you see in the movie from these morons. Here is the alien plan:
a. get really old machines
b. capture humans to use as fertilizer
c. grow some superfly weed
Except that when the aliens first come out of the ground what do they do? They start blasting everyone into powder. Later they start collecting us and spraying our remains on the ground but they sure wasted a lot of potential miracle grow. Which of course leads to the question of why they even had to wait a thousand years to come back.
If I am looking for prime growing land to take over what would I prefer? Some pristine prairie with some little dudes throwing sticks at me or the polluted, overpopulated skeezy hell hole that modern Earth has become where the inhabitants have enough nuclear weapons to destroy the whole planet? I don't know, maybe they wanted a challenge or something.
4. Failed Basic Biology - Finally, like their friends in Signs, these dumb farts must have failed basic biology because they too have decided to invade Earth without taking the most basic precautions. Are they allergic to water? No, but apparently they were friggin pretty deadly allergic to something else because they all keel over at the end of the movie.
This would not have been so bad except that during the movie we see these aliens come out of their ships and they are completely nekkid. AGAIN! These dudes decide that it was going to be a seriously sweet plan to go to an ALIEN PLANET and not wear any protective clothing. It's not really explained how they died, maybe they all got lap dances from Paris Hilton and caught some STD and their alien weiners fell of or something who knows.
What I do know is that my three year old nephew knows not to touch anything in public bathrooms because he realizes there could be cooties on them. Yet these turd for brains from planet Dumb Nuts figure they can run around naked on a strange planet? Not only that but in one scene one of the aliens starts taking a drink ........... out of a busted pipe........ in the basement of a house. If Earth were to be taken over by aliens this stoopid I would seriously just kill myself out of shame.
Once again courtesy of my friend who works in a major movie studio I leave you with an excerpt from the script for War of the Worlds that never made it into the film.
Scene: Base on alien planet, preparing for invasion.
Norf: Commander preparations for the invasion are almost complete.
Freth: Excellent, soon we will crush these aliens under the might of our advanced technology.
Norf: Excellent, I assume that means we will we be taking the latest ships, armaments and weapons?
Freth: Ah.....no. We have budget cut backs so we're going to have to use some museum pieces that were buried on the planet about a thousand years ago.
Norf: Ummm...ok. Does anyone know how to operate those machines anymore?
Freth: Well, there should be some manuals around here somewhere, look its not my plan ok? Plus I have to figure out where we buried these things.
Norf: Sure, sure, let me grab our space suits and....
Freth: Yeah...ummmm. About those. Apparently most of the budget went into these really cool electromagnetic pulse weapons so we're going commando, can't afford suits. Besides I mean lets not be all prejudiced right? Just because it's an alien planet we can't assume its has some nasty virus that is going to kill us.
Norf: Whatever, as long as I can smoke some red weed once we get there.
Freth: Word. Word.