Column #14 - Bruce Campbell VS. Bubba Ho-tep VS. The Thirteenth

For those of you expecting column #13, please see the end of this column for an explanation.

The most important movie of the year, maybe of any year, comes out locally this week. I, of course, speak of Bubba Ho-tep. And the reason? Two words: Bruce "The Man" Campbell. That's actually four words, but when referring to Bruce it's hard not to put "The Man" in quotes in the middle of his name. Why, you ask, is Bruce Campbell "The Man"? Allow me to educate you.

Bruce Campbell is the little guy made good, the small-town boy, if that town was Detroit and B-movie stardom was your bitch. Bruce is instantly recognizable for his enormous Jay Leno-esque chin and his tendency to star in direct-to-video features notable for the presence of gratuitous gratuity and Bruce's name in the credits. Bruce's name denotes a certain kind of character, an archetype if you will. He'll be witty without being snarky, bright without being smart, street-savvy if the address is 'Everytown U.S.A.", and resilient in the face of overwhelming odds and certain defeat. Unless he's playing the bad guy, in which case, ignore the previous sentence. Bruce is also the author of the funny and insightful book, "If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B-Movie Actor". Bruce wears his b-movie status and fan legend as a badge of honor. Rather than being put-off or put-out by the attention this brings, the occasional bathroom stall autograph excused, Bruce Campbell is a worthy successor to Jack Palance and Dolph Lundgren...Now that's a combo I'd almost pay money to see.

Bruce is most famous for starring in the Evil Dead series directed by Spiderman helmer Sam Raimi. Make no mistake, while Sam is an A-list asskicker capable of getting any flick greenlit, at heart he's a genre filmmaker and a damn good one. Take a look at The Quick and the Dead, the Sharon Stone/Russell Crowe/Gene Hackman potboiler movie, not Clint Eastwood's. It features some of the most dynamic camera work this side of Paris Hilton. Frenetic is not strong enough to describe the style. Incidentally, Bruce is in all of Sam Raimi's films, even those where he's not, always credited as 'Fake Shemp', 'Beaten-Up Shemp', or 'Naked Shemp'. Shemp is their term for an extra, the reference being the guy who replaced Curly in the Three Stooges, someone who is interchangeable, the very definition of an extra. Bruce always appears in a Sam Raimi film. Look for his upcoming role as Rude Usher in Spiderman 2. I only hope he can do it the kind of justice he displayed as Ring Announcer in Spiderman. Now that was some quality work.

Bubba Ho-tep is the little film that could, a ditty about Elvis, JFK, and an ass-sucking mummy plaguing the denizens of an old folk's home. It's written by living legend Joe R. Lansdale, who also wrote the script for "Dead in the West", a zombie western. I'm surprised that it hasn't been made into a flick, cause zombie western, this is an idea whose time has come. Seriously...Stop looking at the screen like that...Anyway, Bruce plays the King of Kings, Elvis Presley, if he were still alive, and who's to say he's really dead, all the Elvis impersonators display cultish behavior, maybe their under the mental influence of a Super-Elvis...Hmmm, Super-Elvis now that's an idea who's time has come. Peter Jackson could direct it with a slimmed down Meat Loaf playing the King...Back to Bubba Ho-tep, which is not as one might expect the Bill Clinton story, but rather about Elvis having been replaced by an overdosing impersonating imposter and Ossie Davis plays JFK, if he was dyed black and replaced by an imposter. Ah, who says realism in movies is dead...Anyone who does is probably an imposter. Bubba Ho-tep is directed by Don Coscarelli, who made the Phantasm series, which is about a Tall Man, flying metal balls of death, and evil midgets. Though I'm pretty sure we're supposed to call them 'little people' now. I could do a whole column on the strange appeal of the Phantasm series, but I won't. Unless popular demand demands it, hint, hint, wink, wink, nudge, nudge ...Must ...stop ...this ...could...go...on...forever... Harry Knowles of Antitcool.com calls Bubba Ho-tep an "Ass-kicking Bruce Campbell film!" That's like saying that light beer tastes great AND is less filling, you just know it's just gotta satisfy! And it does. Satisfy. Not like light-beer, which is really just weak American beer with good marketing.

I grew up in that decade between the self-love hedonism of the 70's and the self-love selfishness of the 90s. That's right, I'm a child of the 80s. This means in addition for a love of all things Duran Duran and Miami Vice-related, I think that the collapse of the Berlin Wall was a great career move for the Germans. It also means that the phenomenon of the Rocky Horror Picture Show passed by me. Which is a shame because how many really good transvestite Transylvanian rock-operas are there? Besides Rosie O'Donnell's Taboo and John Water's Hairspray...Come to think of it, are there any shows not about cross-dressing on Broadway? But I digress, Bruce Campbell vs. The Army of Darkness, the third in the Evil Dead series, in which he drops one-liners and Ray Harryhausen skeletons with equal aplomb, is my Rocky Horror Picture Show. Every couple years I make my pilgrimage to a small, out-of-the-way theatre, where the floors are sticky and trailers hand-cut into the film, to watch Army of Darkness on the big screen. Even though I own the movie, have read the screenplay and can quote almost verbatim the entire thing. The point of this biannual journey? To join in with a couple dozen Bruce-fans and celebrate all things Bruce...But not in an obsessed fan-boy way...Seriously, stop shaking your head like that...

It's a risky proposition, writing about quite possibly the world's greatest living actor, in what is technically the 13th edition of this column. But if anybody can survive the potential jinx, it's Bruce "The Man" Campbell. You don't have to be triskaidekaphobic to realize recognize thirteen for the harbinger that it is. Thirteen, is of course unlucky, associated with bad pennies and slasher flicks that never seem to end, resurrected every few years in an equally noxious sequel versus yet another equally noxious slasher-killer. The origin of thirteen being considered unlucky is Judas Iscariot, the former friend of Jesus Christ, who betrayed him to the Romans for thirty pieces of silver and a pat on the back. Look how well that worked out. There were twelve apostles and of course Judas, the thirteenth guy. Curiously, neither the number thirty nor silver is unlucky, unless of course you're a werewolf, though owning silver in this volatile market is risky. Unless you're a militant survivalist, then it's just common sense to own minerals. Because when the black helicopters of the one world government appear on the horizon, gold and silver as currency makes a come back. Though, wouldn't this mean owning actual ore as opposed to stock certificates. Just thinking about it makes me sluggish...

So to wrap up, go see Bubba Ho-tep. Cause Elvis and JFK versus the Mummy is just a cool idea. And cause I said so, pretty please. And cause more movies starring Bruce Campbell is a fundamentally good thing, like a rainbow or ladies night. If you don't believe me, go rent Army of Darkness and get a face full of boomstick. I dare you not to laugh or cry or be amazed, but mostly you'll laugh. If you don't, then there's just something wrong with you.
Jess Nakaska is an aspiring screenwriter always on the lookout for the next great script idea. He'll let you know if he finds it. Feel free to contact him at jessnakaska@hotmail.com.