Column #20 - AVP Took a Load Outta Me

I wanted to go see something "craptacular" (the concoction of sheer bombastity merged with the perfect meld of mind-numbing and butt-numbing entertainment) the other day. I had a lot to choose from, what with Exorcist, Collateral, and Without a Paddle all out right this moment. Keeping in my tradition of picking the worst possible movie at the worst possible time and ignoring the fact that Alien: Resurrection tops my list of the worst films ever made, I chose to go see...wait for it...you can it coming a mile away but Coyote-like you can't not watch the Roadrunner and instead crash cranium-first into the fake-tunnel...That's right I went and saw Alien vs. Predator (AVP). Boy did I ever get my money's worth.

I wanted crap, I got crap in spades. I wanted numb, I still can't feel my fingers. If only my memory were as flaccid. Let me say a few things right up front: AVP is the WORST film ever made. Ever. Seriously. Worse than anything Andy Sidaris or Russ Meyer ever did. Worse than Roger Corman. With a head-cold. On acid. On crack. Trapped in an alternate dimension. With a gun pointed to his head. And zombie actors. With head-colds. On crack and acid, guns pointed to their zombie heads.

Ding dong, the witch is dead. There's a new king in town. The new winner and champion: Alien vs. Predator. Where do I begin? At the beginning of course, where never the twain shall meet. I was feeling self-destructive and decided, "What the heck! I'll go see something forgettable, something low-I.Q., something...painful?" Wait, that came later. Let's go back even further. I wanted some popcorn. Entertainment, that is. Something light and fluffy, something mildly distracting, something fun. Instead I discover new depths of pain that I'd yet to uncover this side of a colonoscopy. Without anesthesia. Or lubricant. Or sweet-talk.

This was my big mistake. I failed to listen to my natural self-preservation instincts, you know those little warning signs that go off and dissuade you from taking that side-street into a crack-den in Anytown, USA. AVP is many things: bad, terrible, un-enjoyable, derivative of other equally terrible Paul W.S. Anderson movies. What it was not was interesting, entertaining, or even mildly distracting. It bores into you with a ferocity bordering on the primal until it's worked its way down through your throat, across your spine, and out the other side. Then it tries to climb back inside. Kinda like that other paragon to crap, Dreamcatcher. When I think about it, Alien vs. Predator was EXACTLY like Dreamcatcher. It's a "sh*tweasal", to use Dreamcatcher's vernacular. A painful, bloody alien anal probe. If you think I'm exaggerating, go see for yourself... Seriously though, don't. Ever. Or else...Or else what? You'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life. Who am I kidding? You'll regret it right away AND for the rest of your life. I certainly will.

AVP does not lay claim to that other rarified genre of "bad movies made brilliant". Or as TBS calls it, "The Man-Made Movie". Hard Ticket to Hawaii, by the aforementioned Andy Sidaris, is a movie so ludicrously bad - cheaply made, haphazardly directed, dime-store effects - that it becomes endearing in its own stunted way. Think Ed Wood. There was a man whose love of film far exceeded his grasp or talent, but he didn't let that stand in the way of actualizing his dreams. And that energy infused his work. The only thing that infused AVP was the sound of my movie-money being flushed down the great Hollywood toilet. "Wh-oo-oo-sh!!!" That's the sound it made. The only thing passable about AVP was the sound effects. I actually thought, why the sound editing is pretty good.

The director, Paul W. S. Anderson, obviously has compromising photos of someone important cause the studios just keep giving him money. This guy has let me down more than prom-night. Soldier, the sci-fi western starring a re-buffed Kurt Russell and written by David Webb Peoples, the writer of Blade Runner and Unforgiven (for which he deservedly so won the Oscar) should've been an idea whose time had come. Instead, it was arguably the worst movie of 1998. Soldier - Sucked. Event Horizon - Sucked. Mortal Kombat - Sucked...Oh my, I just realized something, something I should've seen before. How could I have missed it? How could've I been so blind? Paul W.S. Anderson is amazingly consistent. I've just been too stupid to see it. The further one gets away from the inverse of his first studio picture the worse the movies become. Think M1=1/Fm, or an equation of some sort with some letters and slashes, or dividing...things for the math-oriented readers out there.

The worst thing of all? AVP is already into profitability. Which means of course that another equally lame sequel to a couple of lame sequels (we really need another word for the third through tenth continuation of a movie series, how bout "Chuck"? As in, "What's up, Chuck?"). Maybe it'll be Alien vs. The Hidden vs. Blade Runner vs. Freddy vs. Jason vs. Steve Carell. My money's on Steve. That guy kicks ass.

I need something to wash out my palette, something entertaining, something light, something fun...Hmmm...Have you seen the trailer for the Anaconda sequel? Instead of one giant, people-eating reptile, they have, and I'm quoting from the commercials here, "A big orgy of snakes". Who wouldn't want to see that?...I mean, how bad could it possibly be...?
Jess Nakaska is an aspiring screenwriter always on the lookout for the next great script idea. He'll let you know if he finds it. Feel free to contact him at jessnakaska@hotmail.com.