Column #27 - Star Wars and Me, Sitting in a tree, D-I-S-A-P-P-O-I-N-T-E-D-L-Y

In case you're wondering where my regular column went, take a look at the featured reviews on the front page (Hank Williams and Pete Tong, don't ask, just read) or check my Local Scene website. End of plug. Let's get back to the fun and games of dissecting films. The first candidate, who else could it be, Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith.

Some hard truths: I liked the latest instalment as soon as it came out not so much as by design but rather at the impetus of friends. If you're unsure about what "impetus" means I suggest you look it up and get your collective minds out of the gutter. I'll say this for the flick, it's better than the last two, but hardcore Lithuanian porn had more compelling stories than Attack of the Clones. It also had better dialogue. And this is saying something since the writing is usually the first thing to go when making pornoer, so my friend"Mike" tells me. All the time, too. Where he finds the time to work his real job is the real Da Vinci Code.

The true mystery of Phantom Menace wasn't that people wanted to see it but rather I never realized there were many open sadomasochistics who happen to masquerade as Star Wars fans. I guess you just can't tell what someone is really thinking under that homemade Wookie costume. Just that they're dirty thoughtsThe same goes for computer programmers and engineers.

Revenge of the Sith is by far the best of the new trilogy. Better storytelling, better fights, stronger characters, and some of the best special effects ever put on a film screen. Generally I prefer sets and models to computer generated images (CGI) but Lucas' team may have put the definitive end to non-CGI movies. It's just become to easy, to cheap, and to convenient to make a film with "traditional" techniques like sets.

Sith has a lot in common with Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. Both films had huge hopes, one was a sure bet, the other had trouble finding a good opening weekend so why not bounce it around a couple dozen, that makes the marketing so much better. Note: This was written sarcastically. Sky Captain, while no Sith, had an entirely CGI environment from sets to locations to the villain. It was Laurence Olivier. A young one. It was damn unsettling, but it was the highlight of the movie. If Olivier came be brought back how long until Cary Grant is starring across from Julie Roberts, the chemistry, look out. People in the audience might spontaneously combust.

Sith had a lot riding on its back. It had to match the continuity of the first couple of very poor and below-average flicks and not undoing anything in the back three, especially the indomitable Empire Strikes Back, the best Star Wars movie yet (and still). It had everything a great serial, transitional film needs: sexual tension, constant betrayals, puppet Yoda, Luke getting actual Jedi training, Han getting frozen in carboniteI could go on but that only underscores the strengths of films other than Revenge of the Sith.

So on the Sith scorecard I'd give it (out of five): 1 _ for dialogue; 2 _ for pacing; 5 for effects; 3 for character (though Ewan McGregor is so cool I'll knock this to a 4), 4 for character; and 3 for plot. Out of a possible 25, Sith comes in at a barely legal 16. Slightly better than average. That's a fair enough description of the latest, but the not the last Star Wars flick.

When they finally make the last three flicks of this triple trilogy and trust me, boatloads of cash are the most self-motivating force in Hollywoodand maybe even the world. We'll see young Luke, Han, and Leia, because George Lucas was smart enough to buy the rights to their images many years ago. They'll be fully CGI characters, sets, locations, and music. Lucas might have even enough information on file to generate their voices exactly as they sounded during Return of the Jedi. In this case, in this rarest of cases, maybe that wouldn't be so bad. I mean, come on, who doesn't want to see the ending to the greatest septology in film history.
Jess Nakaska is an aspiring screenwriter always on the lookout for the next great script idea. He'll let you know if he finds it. Feel free to contact him at jessnakaska@hotmail.com.