Column #31: Where the hell have I been?

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I last put up a column. It's almost as if I had a life come out of the blue and kick me in the balls. It was like, Jess! Jess! In my memory events like this center around two things: screaming and food. You know how all the really significant moments in life can be characterized by the meals that you ate around that time. Met the love of your life Hot and Spicy, maybe Indian or authentic Mexican, or something else unexpected. Broke up with the love of your life Violent Indigestion, the kind they feature in those commercials with a stomach in such a churn that butter and acid could suddenly shoot from your nose, probably after eating Thai or Vietnamese. Hmmm, butter acid, there's an idea. Now don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore Vietnamese, the food and the people, but where I live at the moment, all they got is bland, generic, uninteresting Asian-fusion. I don't know exactly what's being fused, either than my taste buds into never-ending blandness, talk about the lowest-common denominator. Unlike say, when you feel bad and your Mom makes you anything Comfort Food, anything home-cooked, even the stuff she burns, like soup.

My sister visited me a lot in the fall and I got to know her as an adult, and she's a real cool chick. I actually like her. I mean as a friend, not as someone with whom I share a lot of genetic material and emotional baggage. Y'know, I'm gonna get all nostalgic for a second here, if she ever needed an organ of which I have two of, and no not egos, I know all your angles dear readers (?), just checking if you?re still around, I might, for an appropriate amount of groveling and money, this is a JOKE, please feel free to make with the funny for a duration to be determined at the end of this sentence
go. Very long pause to allow reader(s?) time to recover and use bathroom if necessary
There you are, anyway I might donate something to my sister. And I don?t just say that because were the same blood type, hey I'm a paragon to healthy
eating? Wow, talk about a tangent.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. My sister cooks. Well! That's it. Yes, that's the entire point of that three minute segway. You don't like it? Well, you can just go find another col- - no, don't go! I didn?t mean it! Please stay! Pretty please with sugar on top and cool whip and
You had me at the click of the mouse on the link to this page.

Life! That's right. The wonderfully loud stentorian bellows of life. Life was like: Jess! Wake up! Life is for the living! It's time to get back on the journey of the road that is life! The hardest to do in this world is to live in it! In my memory, Life keeps referring to itself in the third person, sometimes even the fourth, though I'm not sure this exists but it might go something like this: Jess! I heard through the grapevine the friends of Life feel you should make a change, a Life-Change if you will, not to be confused with the Change of Life which strikes people much, much, much older than you (aside: did that not sound a tiny bit desperate), but you Jess, according to the friends of Life, need to make a change, do something different, get out and grow. It seems Life had a lot to say. What was my response? Ah, this is the hook dear reader(s) to get you to check in again next column
aren't I sneaky?

Listening to the radio right now, they just had the Verve Pipe's The Freshman on. Now THAT is a very solid song
followed up by Another One Bites The Dust, an excellent two-pack, dare I listen for the next song Sometimes, it's
oh, no, distracted again by computer Solitaire, quite possibly the most evil game since Gameboy Tetris. This reminds me
no, stop
two simultaneously games, sorry, where was I? Radio, the third song is forgettable in a pleasant way, noticeable for being unnoticeable, kinda like Sandra Bullock's career, which is too bad cause I think she's just a real cool easy-going and fun gal in real-life. I have a point about music, but this column is starting to exhaust me. I think I'll save it for another day and another column.

You might have noticed that I've peppered this column with various movie and television references. Name them all and I'll send you a congratulatory email. Cause if you knew the state of my current movie-going habits you'd be embarrassed and alone at the theater. I've been so bloody busy that if I make it once a month, I'm rocking. I even got blockbuster's DVD service and had to drop it because I just don?t have the time to sit and watch flicks. I know what you're thinking: this makes me a terrible person
or at least a negligent writer because one must stay abreast of the current vernacular of the day. I feel like an absentee landlord.

The last flick I saw was 300. What is it about movies where the odds are so outlandishly against the heroes we can't wait to slather them with false praise? 10 to 1, been there, done that. 100 to one, better, but still survivable. 300 vs. One million, that's six zeros, 1,000,000, now that's the kind of odds I can get behind. What does it matter about historical inaccuracies when there is good entertainment to be had? Say this for 300, it is the most visceral experience I've had in a theater since
I can't even remember. Man, I need to go splurge and watch some flicks, like pronto.

So stay with me loyal readerers
I say readerers cause my friends are making with the new words like conscision (yes, spelled just this way) and other ones I can't recall at the moment. Anyway, my aunt always reads this; even when I don't, maybe I?ll tell you about the secret of mindless paper ranting some day. It's right up there with the secret of mind-bullets. I promise I will publish another fantasticfying column within the little while. No, not working? I'll come up with a great new word, just you see. I'd say see you in a month, but heck, who knows, what if I get distracted by something...stop it, no more, wait, is that Tetris solitaire?

Jess Nakaska is an aspiring screenwriter always on the lookout for the next great script idea. He'll let you know if he finds it. Feel free to contact him at jessnakaska@hotmail.com.