Column #5 - All Hail The Unknown Director

(Note: This must be sung along to the Lee Majors classic, "Unknown Stuntman" for full effect).

"Unknown Director"

Well
I'm not the kind to rat and squeal
But I've directed Whoopi
I've never made anything with stars more than three, than three
Won a fistfight with the union
Managed to stay out of porn so far

But somehow Oscar don't end up with me

It's a stultifying life I lead
I drown my sorrows
I direct for the movies and TV
But the hardest thing I ever do is watch my fellow directors
Pick up those awards while I cry on my knees

Might call me the scapegoat
Might say I belong in a bar

Cause I'm the unknown director that never gets a star

I never spent much time in school but I taught gaffers plenty
It's true I'm in it for the fame
I've been burned in the press
Shot for fifty bucks

But when they try to take me off a project, I say no game

I might shoot without a screenplay or hire a dead mime

Cause I'm the unknown director that makes Stallone look five-foot-nine.

They'll never make me honorable cause I've got the worst luck with stories
So bad they make you sorry you were born
A morning drink with Jack Daniels
Nights I spend with Tequila

But in the morning, I wake up alone it's only me, just me.

I might direct a crappy movie, people claim that I'm a jerk
Yes
I'm the lonely director that lets Spielberg do good work.

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I am the unsung hero. The unwanted. The unwashed. The undesirable. And yet my mark is permanent and everlasting. My works expand in proportion to my waistband. I make movies that others fear. I make the movies that others can't. I make the movies that others won't. No project is too small, no budget too low, no concept too stupid. No genre is too lurid, no actor too untalented, no movie too cheap. Whenever a director wants to flee a film, I'm brought to in save it. Whenever a budget spins out of control, I'm the guy brought in to rein it. Whenever a star wants to leave, I'm brought into tame it. I'm the unknown director that makes Stallone look five-foot-nine.

I make bad movies, not by choice but by design. Every time you see my work, you instantly know my name. I am responsible for such masterpieces as The O.J. Simpson Story, Hellraiser: Bloodline, and the TV version of the theatrical version of Dune. No job is too small. My proudest achievement was a major motion picture named after yours truly. Coincidently, my name is also an anagram for 'The Alias Men'.

I've had a long and notable career and I work constantly. My first film was in the year of my birth - Death of a Gunfighter. How many can claim to have helmed a project as an infant? Sometimes I work three or four times a year. Some can't hack it, but I can. The pressure never affects me, never makes me want to leave this glorious profession. I am, after all, in love with film. The worse the story, the better. The flimsier the plot, the better. I just want to work.

Once upon a time I wanted to be an important director, but I settled for employed. This really wasn't as significant as you might think since my interests have always tended towards the smaller, more personal T & A slaughter-fest. The more character-driven blood bath brothel movie. It's fortuitous that there's a market for such a director like me.

I work mostly as a director...mostly. On occasion I moonlight as a writer and an actor. You wouldn't know it to look at me but I've been in some of the most remarkable movies of the last quarter century. But I can't take all the credit, it takes a team to make a movie, but they continually pass the credit back to me. Anyone who says Hollywood is the Manson family obviously hasn't met the Osbournes.

My name is Allen Smithee. I'm the unknown director that makes Stallone look five-foot-nine.
Jess Nakaska is an aspiring screenwriter always on the lookout for the next great script idea. He'll let you know if he finds it. Feel free to contact him at jessnakaska@hotmail.com.